cthewind's Blog

Closing in on the end of undergraduate study is a stressful time for students.

Though they have been busy with many things, school has dominated their time and energy. At many times desperate for it to end, the prospect of its actual ending fills them with dread.

College has equipped them for a variety of possibilities; for most of them there is no road map to help them choose. Compounding the uncertainty accompanying their own abilities is the anxiety associated with risking rejection in the opportunities they pursue.

The last semester or two they must prepare for multiple alternative futures, not all of which depend on them, in the midst of uncertainty about their strengths and anxiety about rejection.

Preparing for multiple alternative futures is a skill, but not one that was covered in classtime. Instead it is revealed and articulated in small groups or one-to-one, by trusted staff supervisors, attentive faculty, patient peers, brave parents.

It’s much easier to criticize: “College didn’t prepare me for anything!” Or to be generically positive: “Now that you have a degree, you can do anything!”

Anything is no-thing at all.

What actual thing did college prepare you for? What future are you stepping into? Which possible futures are shut down in your choice?

You can keep your options open only for so long.

With seniors, especially, I counsel two things: 1) brief, bound windows of wild experimentation and 2) focused practice entertaining multiple alternative futures.

In the window of wild experimentation (usually 2 weeks is a good time), you can indulge any thought or fancy. You let the possibilities flood your consciousness and you do not censor them. When the window closes you reflect—celebrating what was fun, ditching what wasn’t, and choosing to commit to one path, for now.

Entertaining multiple alternative futures sounds fun, yet it’s hard work and can be very confusing. Deciding what to do next is influenced by your own sense of safety, creativity, and adventure as well as by the advice of many who make their opinions known and the judgment of those who stand at the door.

Even though I’m not a graduating senior, I have been through my own seasons of needing to be open to multiple alternative futures. At my best I schedule an hour or so a week in which to practice stepping into an alternative future. During that hour I can search websites related to the future possibility, schedule conversations with others about it, and map out what the future would require of me in its exciting newness and its daunting particularity. Uncertainty and anxiety elevated, I also try to practice self-compassion, reminding myself it is appropriate to care like this about what comes next and that my self-worth is not ultimately bound up in what I do.

Growning

Nearly grown, yet still so tender

young sapling, liable to break,

offended by support

at the root desperate for it

independent and connected

I can tell you this is so

but you must live it

New worlds are made with groaning

and you, too, are growning—

born again and again into your life

your many possibilities

and the little failures you survive

A blessing for those awaiting news of acceptance or rejection

It’s real, what you feel

The anxiety, the nerves, the feeling that the rest of your life hangs on someone else’s yes or no

It’s not a bear or a fire or a weapon

Yet your existence hangs in the balance, paralyzed because your future depends on someone else

Except it doesn’t, not really

There’s an after after this,

And it will be yours alone

Your chance to accept their acceptance

Or to grieve their rejection

None of it touches your inmost you

Which is the place I direct this blessing

Your inmost you is accepted and acceptable

Beautiful, precious, a yes to the world

It’s ok to protect it sometimes and to shield it from harm

But this blessing is meant to cover those other times, too

The times you risked and lost

Or won and then wondered if you could do it again

The times you trusted and failed or felt betrayed

The times you couldn’t manage any of it

The sun shines on you, too; there’s no way to be worthy of the weather or to stop it as it comes

This blessing is like a breeze; it keeps passing by without landing

Yet perhaps this fleeting blessing, continual in its efforts to reach you,

is just what you need to wait a little longer